Susan’s Journal

Years ago, maybe in about 2000, I was reading a girlfriend of mine’s LiveJournal. She was talking about how you never seem to exactly remember the firsts, but how you can detail-for-detail always remember the lasts–the last time you saw your grandfather, the last fight you had with your boyfriend, the last hug you gave to your favorite pet before it was put to sleep.

I am not going to let today be the last day I was married. I am going to remember it as my first day of freedom–the first day that God will use to lead me into my new life.

I woke up in my bed, as usual, but with two slumber mates. They had asked me the night before if they could sleep with me, and how could I not let them; I wasn’t going to see them the next night. We talked, we cuddled, we giggled, then we had gone to sleep. In the morning, the alarm went off, and it was with great reluctance that all three of us got up. We had breakfast together, something I’ve been trying to do every morning, then did tooth-brushing, dog-feeding, backpack-stuffing, and shoe-searching. Out the door, in the car, to school, and there I was–alone. I turned on the GPS to make absolutely sure I knew where I was going, then drove the 5 minutes to the courthouse.

I had never been there before, and it was huge and ominous. I was more than half an hour early, so I sat in the car, called my mom, brushed my hair, then finally wandered inside. Scott showed up before my lawyer did, and I didn’t really want to talk to him. She arrived, and we found our courtroom and went inside to get organized. We were the first ones there. We were the first ones seen. The judge came in, an old, pleasant-looking, white-haired, Dallas-like man, and we all rose. I really didn’t want to be there. Courtrooms are almost as bad as hospitals for me. He called us forward. My lawyer spoke, and she asked me about ten questions, and I pretty much just said yes yes yes, then Scott was asked questions, and he did the same, and the judge said divorce granted, and that was it. We waited outside, me standing and Scott on a bench, to get our copies of the divorce papers. My lawyer came out a few minutes later to give them to us. Scott left, and I lingered a few minutes with my lawyer, then I left too. That’s it, ten minutes, and ten years of marriage were signed away. What do I have? Two of the smartest, cutest, most wonderful children in the world.

I drove towards home, feeling empty, feeling devoid of any emotion at all. I knew what I wanted to do. A few exits before home, I took the offramp from the highway to an exit that I knew had a Christian book store. I pulled in the parking lot and up to the front door of the store… and it was closed. I don’t just mean not open yet–I mean completely gutted. The Christian bookstore was just not there anymore. This is where I had gotten the kids’ bibles years ago, and it was no longer there. I felt God saying to me, if you really want this, you’re going to have to work a little harder for it. I called goog-411, reset my GPS, and headed off again.

The next stop found me at another Christian bookstore about ten minutes away. It didn’t open for another ten or so minutes, so I sat in my car and sent a couple text messages to my friends. There was a car parked next to me with an old man in it, apparently also waiting for the bookstore to open. The lady finally came and unsnapped the doors, and I wandered in a moment later.

The only bible I can remember owning was given to me by my ex-mother-in-law. Today I wanted to get one for myself–one that I felt drawn to, that I really felt I could learn from, that I had picked out on my own. I walked through the aisle of new bibles, fingering through several of them, until I came to several leather-bound, colorful bibles titled “Women’s Devotional Bible.” There was a small version without a price, and a larger version with a sale sticker on it for $29. I picked up the smaller one, wandered around the store a bit more, and headed for the register. When she rang it up, it was $31. Hmm, I said, the other, larger one (with easier font for me to read) was less than that… hang on a minute while I go grab the other one. I brought the larger one back, and the computer rang it up for $45–but she gave it to me for the $29 anyways because of the sticker price. Somehow, in some female-shopping-kinda way, it happened on purpose. This, the larger-print bible, is the one I was meant to have. I am very happy with it. It has all kinds of study guides in the back, and I know it will help me to study more diligently and grow. This was my gift to myself on this First Day.

Back at home, I logged into work like a good girl, even though my boss had told me “take all the time you need.” There were some things they needed me to do, and it didn’t take a lot of time. I kept up with email throughout the day intermittently also, just because. After checking email, I sat and watched about half of a movie called “Big Fish” and ate cold pizza from a couple days ago for lunch.

Halfway through it, I looked at the clock, and it was 12:20pm, so I paused the movie, slid on my shoes, and sprinted out to my car. I pulled up to the kids’ school just as Rain’s class was getting ready for lunch. She had brought her lunch today, but I just wanted to spend that extra half hour with her. She made her little Lunchable pizzas, and I just sat and drank a little of the chocolate milk she had bought me. She drank the rest. We talked about her day, and we smiled, and we giggled. It was just one more piece I had wanted in my First Day.

After lunch with my Rain, I went home and finished watching Big Fish. If you haven’t seen it, I really recommend it–I think it’s one of Tim Burton’s best works–not as dark as most of them are. I resolved to head upstairs after the movie ended (and after I checked work email again), and I spent the next two hours painting more icicles along the ceiling of Dylan’s room. I really hope they are turning out to look okay, because they are tons of work! I have two walls done now (the two easy ones); the two remaining walls are tapered up, and cornered (where the door is), and about two feet higher where the ceiling peaks. At least I have a hand at it now and pretty much know how to make the icicles.

At one point in the afternoon, somewhere between Big Fish and icicles, I had talked to a friend of mine online very briefly. He told me to get outside, enjoy the day, make a video. So I did–since this is a long post, I’ll include that one here too. It’s a Flickr short photovid with a narration track, me telling a short 90-second story. I hope you enjoy it. “Do You Know Clarence?”

Through some text messages, I got set up to have dinner with my girlfriend from church. I had asked one girl, whose daughter had come over to visit Rain the other day, but she had some plans. I suggested Mimi’s to the friend who was going, and she said okay. It ended up being eight of us–four of that eight were kids–and we had a great dinner at Mimi’s. None of them had been there before, everyone loved it, and I was glad I had suggested it. We were seated right by the front entrance, and who should happen in when we were halfway done? My other friend from church, the one who had plans earlier. She had finished them up and decided to go out to dinner–and just happened to be at the same place we went. What are the odds of that? I gave her a hug and told her it was good to see her. My dad called at the end of the meal, and I talked to him for a minute and told him I loved him. Then we all headed out to our cars and left.

Back at home, I finished up watching this movie called the Illusionist. It was the first movie I had seen Edward Norton in that I really liked him in. If you haven’t seen it, it’s another one worth watching–definitely has a surprise ending! It ended at exactly ten o’clock, and that’s when I decided it was time to sit and write this blog post.

So here I am. It’s the First Day for me, and I’m definitely looking forward to the Second Day, when I’ll get to spend oodles of time with my kidlets again.

And on this day,
April 28, 2002… I had just finished up the Breast Cancer 3-Day walk. I’m doing it again this year. Please check out my 3-day page!

When I was little, I don’t remember how old, I remember getting a report card one time that had all A’s and B’s, except for one C+. It was in history, the subject I like the least. I showed my report card to my mom, and she didn’t say anything about the good grades–she just said, why did you get a C+ in this? That seemed to be all she cared about. As I’ve grown up and had my own kids, like most people, I’ve always said I would raise my own kids different.

Last night was one of those opportunities.

Rainlin’s grades have always been good, but not perfect the past six months. There’s been plenty going on, and I didn’t push her on it, I’ve just offered her more help here and there. So last night, she bringe me this report card… A honor roll. She was so happy. I was so happy, and I let her know it. “But this one grade that didn’t go up…” she actually pointed it out to me. I looked right into her eyes, and I told her I didn’t care. She did great in everything else, and I am very proud of her. I even took her report card (They’re not “cards” anymore–just a piece of paper out of the printer) and I drew “The Fuzz”… this crazy, happy furball cartoon I draw. I wrote some other words of encouragement on there too. She smiled, and her eyes twinkled. I loved that moment. My little Rain, growing up so fast… my wonderful, beautiful Rain.

This morning, Dylan brought me his report card too, which I didn’t take a picture of. He’s always gotten good grades, and his report card was much of the same story. So he got The Fuzz too, and I gave him a big hug. I want both of them to know how proud I am of them for trying, for doing their best, for getting good grades.

It carries into sports too–I teach them things, but stand back and let the coaches do the work, stepping up only when they ask me to. I yell “go Rain” and “good job Dylan” but never scream or shout negative things like some parents do. That really makes me sick. I want to make the good feel better, not the bad feel worse.

This weekend is going to be a weekend of craziness, though I’ll love every moment of it since I’ll have the kids with me. Here’s the short list, just off the top of my head…
- Get groceries. We got a few of the basic necessities yesterday–like a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread–but we still need other things.
- Paint Dylan’s room. The base coat of light blue is done… but now I have to figure out how to paint icicles around his ceiling to make it look like the North Pole.
- Hang the mirrors. I got each kid a mirror for their room from Garden Ridge, and I have to hang them the right way… so I’ll need a level, a stud finder, strong hangers, etc…
- Take the puppies for a walk. They have got to be hating me at this point–I haven’t been spending any time with them lately.
- Take Dylan to his baseball practice.
- Vacuum the house… every inch of it.
- Mow the backyard–if it ends up being dry enough. I want to use the bag on the mower, but it might be too long and take me forever
- Take Rainlin to her batting practice at the batting cages–which also has an arcade and go-carts, so I’m sure we’ll spend half a day there.
- Go to church for the night service, and run a camera… these are a few of my favorite things

I’ll get there. We’ll get there together. Baby steps.

It seems like I’ve been playing one big game if catch- up lately. I mowed the front yard this morning, but it was way too hot to do the back. It was muggy, and I was sweaty. I still have to finish painting Dylan’s room. The poor kid has been waiting for icicles for weeks. I had lunch with him today, hence the picture. By the time I put the two of them to bed at night, I’m just about unconscious myself. There just aren’t enough hours in the day. Tomorrow, up at 5:45am, to work, then to Dylan’s first baseball practice, then home for showers and bed, then it starts all over again the next day. I’m wiped.

What an awesome day today turned out to be.

Just one more day, I kept thinking to myself. One more day until I can hug my kidlets again, until we can giggle again. Then around lunch time, I got this text message… Are you supposed to get them tonight or tomorrow? it asked.

I would LOVE to get them today, I replied, but that’s up to you and the kids. A couple hours later, he said I could pick them up today. Woo hoo!

He actually brought them to my work (well… Near it), and they asked me to go back inside, so I gladly took them. Dylan wanted to check out the wii in the break room, even though we have one at home; so we satat a table and watched him while Rain finished up her Dr. Pepper.

We stopped at Fry’s on the way home for me to grab a $3.99 copy of “Silence of the Lambs,” then we stopped at Blockbuster for three free movies with coupons and turn-ins (but we didn’t get to watch any of them tonight). Dinner was, of course, from the toaster oven, this time chicken breasts with teriyaki sauce, and corn and baked beans and buttered bread… I know, not the healthiest thing on the planet, but better than MacDonald’s.

Then it was shower time, then praying time, then bedtime. The days just go by too fast.

Flickr just started taking video uploads, with the caveat that they have to be 90 seconds or less. I’ve been trying it out today, looking at moments in my life that I could turn into “moving pictures” or “photovids” as I’ve dubbed them–me, standing still with the camera, taking not a photo but a short video of life as it moves within my frame.

The video that’s the still frame of this post is one of the fruits of that attempt. You know, you can take anything, any moment, and turn it into fun with the kids. You don’t need to go anywhere, you don’t need to spend any money, you don’t need a TV or a video game system or even a box of Legos.

In this case, all you need is a piece of glass.

I remember for videoblogging week last year, I made my week’s worth of videos documenting “101 things to do when you’re bored.” Though I don’t think we got up to 101, I think we did about 10 a day, and it was a lot of fun to make. I just love spending time with the kids. What will we do tomorrow night? Maybe have a sleepover, maybe make some homemade pizzas with English muffins I was thinking, maybe make some tents out of blankets, clothes pins, and couch cushions. Who knows.

This is why I love where I live.

When the weather starts to warm up, and the time springs-ahead, the kids start to emerge from the garages, pedaling their bikes and gliding on their razor scooters. All the kids in this neighborhood are about the same age, and most of them go to school together. We always seem to end up with kids at our house, and I absolutely love it. I let them hang out, sometimes shoving them out to play in the warm sunshine or draw with chalk on the driveway, and sometimes let them gather around the TV to play a game, like here. I’ll be in the kitchen, watching over them, cooking dinner; and when dinner’s ready, I’ll send the other neighborhood kids home.

Today, we started with just one kid. Can I go over so-and-so’s house? Dylan asked. Why don’t you bring him back here, I told him; and he did. So then there were three–Rain reading her new book-fair book in my Archie Bunker chair, and Dylan with his friend in front of the game. Then, at some point while I was cooking, I came around the corner into the living room, and was greeted by a new pair of pretty blue eyes… oh hi! I said. Another kidlet and his sister had come over to play. They all ended up in a line in front of the TV, and if I’m not mistaken this was Lego Star Wars they were playing on the Wii.

I know I live far away from work, but I just never want to leave this place. It’s paradise to me. It’s beautiful, and it’s peaceful. I know most of my neighbors, and the kids have friends strewn out all over the place. What could be better than this proximity of friendships, at any cost?
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L.O.T. Stands for Lights Out Tuesday. It’s an idea I came up with after the 8pm hour of darkness a couple weeks ago. One hour, I thought… Why not do one night a week?

I picked up the kids from daycare and gave them the biggest of hugs (I hadn’t seen them in a few days) and told them it was lights-out Tuesday. Cool, they said. We had talked about if briefly in the past but had never done it before.

When we got home, the kids unloaded their backpacks and stuff from the car. I asked Dylan if he wanted to see how much I had done on his room (I started painting it this weekend) he said sure, and raced up the stairs. As he walked around his bed on the plastic, I told him I had put one coat on the walls but hadn’t started the corners or along the baseboards yet. "Can we paint some?" he asked. Sure, I said, handing him a brush and pouring some light blue paint into the little paint cup with the handle. I showed him how to paint a corner, and I set him loose.

A minute later, Rain walked into the room. "Can I paint too?" Sure! I handed her another brush and showed her how to paint along the baseboards. I ended up holding the paint cup so they could both dip their brushes in it, and I just leaned back and watched. I kind of felt like I had hired some child labor for a minute there. The ceiling fan was going, and the window was open, and we could hear the cheers at the baseball fields behind our house.

The doorbell rang, and Dylan was bambambam racing down the stairs to get it, after thrusting his paint brush at me. I started poking along the window with paint, and Rain was doing higher up in the corners where Dylan couldn’t reach. She happened over to the window, peering out across the fields, and saw a little concession cast trailer. "So, is that a hot dog stand?" she asked me. I had promised the kids dinner at 7, and if was heading to that time. I’ll make a deal with you, I said; if that’s a hot dog cart, we’ll go grab dinner there; if not, we’ll go out somewhere. She agreed, and we headed out to the garage to round up Dylan and send his friend home with a see-you-tomorrow.

We headed out the back fence, pushing the puppies aside (they were NOT happy we left them behind) and walked towards the hot dog cart, wandering between two t-ball fields where games were going on. As we neared, I saw a picture of a hot dog on the sign; and as we neared, Dylan saw a picture of nachos on the sign. At the counter, Dylan quietly said "I want nachos" with a grin. How could I say no? One hot dog, one nachos, I started to say… But the teenage kid, very nice, cut me off, saying his cheese wasn’t hot enough yet. He sent us up to the other snack bar, which is actually the permanent building at the park.

With our hands full of hot dog, nachos, soda, and napkins, I said to the kids, "Well, which game do you want to watch?" we were in the middle of four full-sized fields. We licked one and crawled up into the bleachers with a bunch of strangers to watch a game and eat.

But were they strangers? Rain saw at least three girls she knew, Dylan. Knew a baserunner of the game we were watching, and when we were done eating and walking back, we heard a "HEY!" and turned to see one of the neighbor kids in a dugout with a way-oversized helmet on. Awesome.

We wiggled our way back through the fence, being careful not to let the dogs out, and went straight through the house and out to the car to head to wal mart. That was just a trip for milk, OJ, lunchables, and the like.

It was straight to bed, in the dark, when we got home. Rain didn’t like the idea of a candle burning in her room, so I told her she could turn her night light on. She wasn’t going to get in trouble, I told her; the whole night was just about having fun.

Fun it was. I think this will be a regular Tuesday night occurrence from now on.

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This is me after a hard day at work! Okay, maybe it wasn’t hard; and maybe it wasn’t work, it was church; but it was still long, I’m still tired, and what am I doing? Instead of sleeping, I’m writing a blog post!

Today was really a good day. I woke up at 6am, took a shower, and darted out of the house. Half-asleepedness caused me to turn into Starbucks, and I walked into church right at 7:30. For the first service, I thought I was on a camera; but we were short people, so I ended up on prompters, which help the band know the lyrics when they sing. There was a new guy there, so I showed him how to do everything, and three songs into the service, I said “here, trade!” and I put him in the hot seat! He ran the prompters for the rest of the service, and he did just fine. (I mean, really, it’s not that complicated; you pretty much just sit there and hit the spacebar on the keyboard lol…)

The second service, we asked him if he could stay, and he did, and I went out to be on camera #2. Camera #1 pretty much just follows the lead singer, but camera #2 gets to film the backup singers, the guitar players, the keyboardist, the horns… basically everyone else! It’s faced pace, lots of switches, and lots of fun. Whew, I was tired again after that though…

There’s a four-hour break between those two services and the night time one, so I headed out for a little while. I stopped and got the kids some books they wanted, then ran home for a couple hours to make a friend a CD and play with the puppies. Then, at 3:30, I was out of the house again. Craziness.

Night time service left us with no one on graphics–which are the words on the screen you see to sing when you’re in the service. So I did that, while the new guy did the prompters again, and it went great. So basically… in a nutshell… I worked everywhere today.

I loved it.

At the end of the service, everyone left, and I just kind of hung around in the media center, kind of not wanting to go home. The director took a few minutes out to talk to me, telling me that I did a great job on camera today, and from the very first day I was on a camera he was impressed with my work. That really means tons to me, since filming is my passion. I think if I had figured that out earlier in life I would be in a totally different place now, but we’re all led down our paths for a reason… a greater plan.

Anyways… I walked out into the main part of the church, and this girl grabbed me… are you going to dinner?? Sure, I thought. Some fellowship and friendship would be great right about now. The place we went was a little bistro near the church, and about twenty singles showed up. We pushed together a dozen tables and talked and laughed and had a good time. It was just… nice. You know? I had a burger (which was GREAT dude) and sweet potato fries (not cooked enough) and thought to myself, I’ll have to come here again sometime.

After another hour of just hanging out and talking, I finally gave in and headed home. I’m just beat. Why aren’t I asleep??
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